So what is it? Stoke 29 is a masturbation cream. The “hook” is that the cream becomes heated over time. The product is supposed to heat up “at or around the 29th stroke,” hence the product name. I should preface by stating that prior to trying this product I never really utilized any masturbation aids. Creams and lubes weren’t part of my ritual. I had tried them but never thought much of them. This product changed the game for me. If I am traveling for an extended period of time, it goes into my suitcase.

Why am I so crazy pleased with this stuff? I think it has something to do with its practicality. I mean, it’s a useful product that works like gangbusters. Unlike other sex products, there isn’t a lot of wiggle room for personal preference. A masturbation sleeve for one man might be too stimulating for another, an erotica book might be too tame for another, etc…. All men masturbate. You are not reliant on any toy to help or interfere with your technique, style, likes or dislikes. You still control the action, thank you very much. I mean, how are you not gonna dig this product?

Product design and performance also reach far beyond my expectations. The cream itself is a kind of very thick cream, and just a little bit will go a very long way. The consistency is like vegetable shortening (i.e., Crisco), which is great because it ensures that it doesn’t drip off anything. The product is also (thankfully) fragrance free. Then, amazingly, when you’re done, the cleanup is amazingly boring. The stuff comes right off! Anyone with lube experience knows how helpful and important lube is, but they are also no doubt familiar with the aftermath. Unlike water-based lube — which can leave you with a sticky sensation — or silicon based lube — which just, doesn’t leave you — Stroke 29 goes on, seems to last forever, and then comes right off. To be honest, the warming effect isn’t worth mentioning. It does heat up but it’s hard to chalk this up to anything but friction. Ironically, the heat factor is marketed as the major selling point, and for my money, it’s the least impressive/important thing about the product.

The company that produces this alchemical wizardry is Gun Oil (owned by Empowered Products). The name works on many levels, as the products were developed by Scott Fraser, a Marine platoon commander in Desert Storm who learned how to use military issued gun oil to keep his stressed out teenage company from “killing each other or getting too depressed”. In other words, he found out that dimethicone-based lube not only works in a pinch, but it’s actually pretty good stuff in general. I mean, this is a sex product with some serious street cred. The only down side to this product is the fact that you can’t use it as a sex lube no matter how badly you want to. And I really really want to. It also doesn’t play nice with condoms. Since it is neither silicon nor water based, I have no clue what toys you can use it with, so I don’t risk it. I use it only for its intended purpose. I have contemplated using it as a massage cream because I think it would work really well. Hell, I’m this close to trying it out as an aftershave.

Try. It. Now. You won’t regret it.

-Hudson Cole

I have to admit that my knee jerk response to your question showed me exactly how old I am. Yup, that’s right, phone sex popped into my head. Having had my last long distance relationship well before the advent of sexting, skype and google web chat I went old school. When I was doing it I didn’t even have a cell phone (which was good because the connection was much clearer on my land line). I guess I should be happy I wasn’t sending sexy telegrams. Now that I’ve pulled out the old “well back in my day” cliche, I want to point out that old school has its merits. I’m a fan of romantic and/or incredibly dirty letters. They may be awkward to write but they can be pulled out when your schedules don’t match up for calls or webchats, to be used as inspiration for solo sessions. Plus starting with the written word may get the ball rolling on those more techie options.

The tech options are fun if they are available to you and you can get over any sort of performance anxiety. If you’re only seeing each other once a month you’re probably going to be able to put horny before feeling silly. Besides, if skype is good enough for Oprah, it ought to be good enough for you and your partner. (A side note here, I’m not suggesting for a second that Oprah has naughty video chat sessions). Just like many things tech-based you want to be careful here because things on the web can last forever. If you don’t want it to be around forever make sure that you’ve agreed on a no recording policy and follow up. The last thing you want is a vengeful ex posting your solo for his eyes-only shows on xtube.

If you really can’t get into the long distance communication thing via any available means (writing, phones, video chat) then you should explore sharing in other way. Give your partner a pair of your skivvies to fondle and sniff and behave in naughty ways with when you are apart. If underwear is not your thing you might buy each other toys for solo play. Something you use when you’re together and then which one of you takes with to relive the experience when you’re apart. When you reunite, they can show you (or you can show them) how it was used while you were apart.

Long distance relationships are tough but can be very rewarding. As with any relationship communication is key in general, not just when it comes to keeping it sexy. If you find creative ways to reach out and touch each other it will help keep things fresh both while you’re apart and when you’re together.

Good luck, and reach out touch someone.

You’ve got your swooshy and handy iPhone. You’ve got your Droid with robot styling, a mini keyboard and android operating system. You’ve got GPS, pinch zoom, and on-demand reviews on small batch sake from Tulsan microdistilleries. Completely lost in this technological convolution of function and aesthetic is the gaping hole in the market for a five-star dick sleeve application. Until now. With the Flip Hole masturbator, Tenga has finally merged science with sleekness in something that is practically indistinguishable from the 25th century genitalia of an impossibly benevolent alien species. Thank you Japan.

Before we continue, you really need to click the link for the product page. Visualizing this product is important because, really, it looks like you’re expected to fuck a lobster tail with this one. There is a full obstacle course for your penis, ranging from the “Shield Flap” and “Quattro Wave” to “Wing Gate” and finally the “End Orb” which is kind of like the end boss of the level. This is no mere scientific cross-section — the Flip Hole works just like a flip phone and opens up for cleaning, drying and, when ready, direct application of lube for your next go. It comes with a bracket that allows it to close up for storage or travel, and serves as a drying stand where it looks more like a nightlight from Ikea than a masturbation sleeve. (No joke, I pulled the boneheaded move of leaving it in plain sight the other day where it drew compliments and curious inquiry from visiting friends.) Rounding out the package is a sample of three different types of “hole lotion” lube–mild, real, and wild–of varying viscosity to try out in addition to your own lubes at home.

As with prospective mates, I am typically highly suspicious of masturbation sleeves with this degree of ostentatious gimmick, but the Flip Hole is all function and very worth taking home and getting to know. The same bracket that closes the Flip Hole for storage also slides on from the other direction to hold the unit together during use. This keeps it rigid on the sides giving it the firmness of a Fleshlight, but allows it to flex on the top and bottom to give you control over the pressure. The nodules and chambers and whatnot provide an exhilarating experience; like the electron flows and amperes behind the operation of my light switches, I honestly don’t know how it works but, oh, it sure does. An unexpected experience is the fact that the asymmetric contouring gives it different experiences when used right-side-up or upside-down. Tilting it 90 degrees puts the flexibility on the sides and firmness on the top and bottom, changing the feel once again.

And you remember that “shield flap” component that came up earlier? In another surprisingly thoughtful feature of interior design, the Flip Hole has a sealing mechanism that prevents leaks during usage keeping your dick in and unwanted lube and splooge out. Finally, the unique ability to open and close this guy gives it a natural access to cleaning that is easy, less fussy than turning other sleeves inside out to dry (which often leaves the outside-in part a little damp unless you’re better at this than I am), and satisfyingly hygienic considering the nature of these things.

There are a few moments for pause here, but no real downsides. First, there are what look like buttons along the flexible top and bottom portions that supposedly control pumping and suction. Kinda. In use, these are the points that you would use to control the pressure, but there’s nothing especially fancy or mysterious here. Second, the unit is actually quite large. The interior should certainly fit men of all sizes, but there is a lot of external structure and, honestly, the larger your hands are the better you will be able to fully control the pressure. Finally, the Flip Hole is more costly than your typical masturbation sleeve, but if you divide the cost by the joy that will share in your new lives together, it’s worth it. I have gone back and forth using this and the Maven and the Sidekick–both also solid, recommended pieces to have in the arsenal–and it was hard to feel like I hadn’t moved on. Emotionally.

Let’s review: the Flip Hole by Tenga has all the features of a German-engineered luxury automobile. It has the styling sensibilities of Voltron. And it plays the role of wise older sibling to Motorola on how to achieve a real clam shell design. A highly recommended buy.

The “male G-spot” is the term people use when referring to the P-spot.  The “P-spot” is slang for the prostate gland. The male prostate is located directly beneath the perineum, and it can be manipulated externally or internally (or both at the same time — pretty as you please). The prostate is the walnut-shaped gland that is responsible for producing about 30% of male ejaculate, called “prostatic fluid”. It can be a major source of pleasure for some men and not so much for others. This shouldn’t discourage you from trying though. You never know until you try… a few times.

Before you dive into partner play, see if you can’t locate your P-spot yourself first. I recommend starting out externally. You can feel your prostate by “flexing” his penis.  It’s the same muscle you engage when trying to stop the flow of urine – known scientifically as the pubococcygeus muscle, shortened for the layman to ‘PC muscle’.  Exercising your PC muscle is called ‘Kegel exercise’ and it’s a great way, incidentally, to strengthen your orgasms and have more control over them. In any case, that Kegel jerk technique starts in the prostate. You should be able to feel your prostate if you press on your perineum during the lowest, deepest part of the jerk. Once fully aroused and close to climax, you should be able to reach down and feel that walnut that I mentioned previously.  When climax is imminent, you can apply pressure with your free hand and… let’s just say once you learn how to do this, it should by no means be used while in a moving vehicle. This is probably the closest you can come to “blackout” pleasure. Once you graduate from a finger, you can try rolling up a pair of socks into a sturdy ball and strategically placing them on the edge of a chair while you masturbate.

Internal or external prostate stimulation? Yes please. A man can locate his own prostate internally with his own finger, but it’s an advanced maneuver and best with a partner. The other option is to drop the dough for a prostate stimulator, which I cannot recommend highly enough. I stand behind anything Nexus makes. I own a Nexus Excel and it’s amazing. In fact, I got it from Early to Rise. See, men can have toys too! But don’t buy just any anal toy when you’re looking to hit the P-spot; go for something that is specifically shaped to target the prostate. No one wants to stick anything anywhere unless there is a payoff. External massage feels grand, but the prostate can be difficult for a partner to locate and stimulate externally. It certainly feels great but isn’t going to provide an orgasms as powerful as if pressure were applied from the inside. This is why I enjoy prostate toys like the Nexus or Aneros, which can provide both kinds stimulation at the same time. Also, using a toy might be a less intimidating way to introduce your partner to your P-spot.

Prostate play can be intimidating for some. Guys sometimes aren’t sure about the idea of being penetrated, and girls sometime aren’t sure about penetrating. Both parties should know that the secret Cosmo ninja sex maneuver doesn’t exist. There is no one swift maneuver that will make the heavens open up on the first try. This stuff takes teamwork. You don’t want to be poking and prodding around like a frat boy — please spare everyone that indignity. You’re better than that, I just know it. I encourage slow gravitation “down there”. Too often, ball play is neglected, so start by encouraging your partner to move away from the penis (communication is hot!).  Lovers: put down the cock, step away from the clit and enjoy the smorgasbord of the human body. Once you start including the balls, you move to the perineum (external P-spot), then the anus (nerves and fun), then you can go for the internal”P-Spot”.

If you are ready to move to the advanced technique, relaxation, arousal, lube (we like Maximus for anal play, and well-manicured nails are all a must. Everything else is personal taste. And don’t be alarmed, but you might have a hard time maintaining an erection while having your prostate stimulated.  An erect penis doesn’t have to be the only arousal indicator on a man, but no matter what condition your penis is in, you have to stay aroused if you are going to enjoy the experience. Including a finger condom or a rubber glove along with the lube wouldn’t be considered excess. In fact, some people pay extra for that kind of shit. So go and get your naughty nurse on. Remember that we are talking about a form of anal sex. The same rules apply here as anywhere else. You need to use three times as much lube as you think you need, and if something hurts you are going too fast. Anal sex should at no time ever feel uncomfortable. I know couples who have anal sex on their bedroom menu but still view it as an only semi-pleasurable experience. They have the attitude that anal penetration is something you have to tough out.  This doesn’t have to be the case.

That being said, positioning is important because you want to have everything comfortable and at the best angle. Your partner needs to be able to get her well-groomed and lubed index finger inside your anus about 1.5 inches inside. I recommend lying on your back on the edge of the bed with your lower body hanging off and supported with your legs. Your partner should kneel on a pillow positioning herself between your thighs. The important thing here is access to everything. You can place your bottle of lube in a bowl of warm water and have it steadied on the floor for easy access. This way, your partner can easily reach pleasure zones with the mouth, while her dominant hand can reach inside you easily. This angle is beneficial because she’ll want the pad of her index finger facing her, and that means your balls should be resting on the inside of her wrists. Just like you would stimulate the female G-spot, she’ll want to make the ubiquitous “come hither” motion when she reaches the prostate. How will she know when she reaches it?  YOU will know. I am told that it feels like something of a slightly firmer and smoother texture.  But she’ll know mostly because of your reaction.

That said, keep in mind that you’re unlikely to come just from prostate stimulation alone. In my experience the G-spot functions in the same way. You can’t just head right to it and expect a final result. The prostate is kind of like the “speed booster” you flick just at the pinnacle of speed that pushes you oh so much further than you would have gone. Think Mario Kart. Yes, in fact, it’s exactly like the mushroom in Mario Kart. When you begin to come, have your partner apply real pressure (the proper amount is up to you), and the result should be an ejaculation much more akin to Ol’ Faithful than, well, anything else you are used to. I hope this helps and hopefully, the male G-spot will be something on your bedroom buffet before you know it.

Dear Short Fuse,

Seriously, most women just don’t realize how much pressure there can be on guys during sex. Ideally a woman tends to want a guy to be as hard as Advanced Differential Equations before the lights even go out, and then to keep it going for as long as she wants it, but no longer.

For guys that have never had a problem with one or the other of these issues, congratulations. Hopefully you work in porn, since you’re a natural. This column is for everyone else, specifically all the hair-triggers out there.

Premature ejaculation is often treated as a result of selfishness — a guy thoughtlessly getting his rocks off before he’s even bothered shifting hers around. I won’t say this kind of selfishness never happens, but involuntary premature ejaculators know that the feeling of oncoming release seems as unstoppable as taking your next breath. You can try to recite the stats of every American League player since 1950, but you’ll be lucky to get past the Yankees’ current batting lineup. And to make it worse you’ve been trying so hard to hold off blowing your wad that you may not even enjoy it when it happens anyway.

Unlike sexual impotence, there is not a pill which is designed to prevent this. There are pills whose side effects make ejaculation difficult or impossible. But you wouldn’t want to take them for that reason, and besides most of them also can cause impotence.

There is an FDA-approved cream, called… oh you’ve got to be kidding me… yes, they actually called it this: Mandelay. [Groans from the balcony.] Mandelay’s active ingredient is Benzocaine, which is what dentists give you before they drill your teeth. In other words, Mandelay works by making your wood as numb as a post.

I haven’t tried Mandelay. But once when myself and I were spending some time together I used as lube an aloe vera sunburn cream that I did not realize contained menthol, a less potent numbing agent. I worked until I could barely move my arm and didn’t get anywhere close to going off so my experience suggests the basic principle is effective.

If you’re going to use this substance (whose name I can’t bring myself to type again), or any of the other numbing creams out there, you should remember that anything that is on your skin on the outside is also touching her on the inside. If you make her numb too, she may not appreciate you lasting longer. Worse, some other agents that might having a numbing effect on your skin could be painful against the more sensitive tissues inside the vagina. People who have had success with numbing creams report that it’s best to give the cream a minute or two to have its numbing effect then rub it in or off before intercourse starts. Of course you’re going to want to keep it hard during that time, because once it’s numb it’ll be really hard to get it up again. In other words, this is not really a recommended option (and PARTICULARLY not for butt sex, just FYI). Numbing creams can injure you and your partner. And if you can’t feel anything… why are you doing this again?

Something that will have a similar effect but is much less dangerous is a fairly thick condom if you don’t usually use one. Just don’t double up on the condoms — you risk breakage due to the friction of latex on latex.

Another technique you can try on your own time is to masturbate. Seriously. Practice bringing yourself to the edge of orgasm and then stop. Let the wave subside. Then go at it again. A lot of times we become so accustomed to really intense, quick jerk-off sessions, and our pelvic muscles never get a chance to strengthen fully. But repeatedly bringing yourself to the edge, stopping, and then going at it again is great endurance training. Kegel exercises can help too.

Still, this takes time and practice, so is there anything else to do in the meanwhile?

Yes: expand your definition of what sex is.

When you say that you can’t have sex for very long without having an orgasm, what you mean is that you can’t have intercourse for long without having an orgasm. If that’s your problem the first thing you should do is delay the intercourse part of sex for as long as possible.

In other words, tease her. First figure out what non-genital region of her body gets her motor running. The neck below the ears is practically an Initiate Sexual Response button in a lot of women, but other ladies might like being touched, licked and nibbled on their back, feet, hands, ears, nipples or stranger places. Getting to know these hot buttons is, in my opinion, one of the most fun parts of having a lover.

When you’ve got her going a bit get down to the Delta and get your fingers and tongue to work. Giving good cunnilingus is a whole other column, but the key is trying things until you hear the right sounds. A lot of women quite enjoy being brought to orgasm then penetrated while they’re in the midst of it. If you can manage that I guarantee she won’t mind if you don’t last long. In fact, she’ll probably prefer it.

Alternately, get her right up to the edge, then bring your tool to work. But don’t just dive right in. First, rub it along the vulva and vaginal opening for a while. This will drive her crazy, since you’re rubbing right against her clitoris (believe me, you’ll enjoy it too). This is also a good move if you’re not sure you’re hard enough to get inside yet; direct contact with a wet vagina is about as effective a stiffener as exists.

Now it’s time to penetrate, but just a little. Her most sensitive sexual tissues are right inside her vulva, so by going in just an inch or two then pulling out you’re directly stimulating the G-spot* and the clitoral legs. With a little practice you can stimulate the external clit at the same time with a thumb or finger.

Keep this up for a few minutes and she’ll likely be begging you to slam the headboard through the wall. So now’s the time to go in all the way. The cool thing about human sexual response is that it tends to be reciprocal. When your partner’s getting off it gets you off too. You might think that the last thing you need as a premature ejaculator is to be even more turned on, but ironically being more sexually connected to your partner can give you more control of your orgasm.

If you’ve put your work in you’ll slide through like a seal going into water. If you want to try to make it last a bit longer wait until you are just about to have an orgasm then pull out so that only the tip is in there. Go back to just teasing her with the tip for a minute or two until you feel the wave pass. Sometimes you can then ‘reboot’ the orgasm counter this way, starting over when you go back in.

But if you only last a few minutes, so what? After the time you spent pleasuring her, she’s got nothing to complain about. She’ll probably just figure you were as turned on as she was and couldn’t hold back. You can always help her finish afterward, if she needs it.

There is more to this than just the physical aspect of it. Part of what you’re doing is shifting your attention away from controlling your own pecker and onto pleasing her. It’s hard to not think about elephants. But if you’re thinking about giraffes instead you might be surprised to find it’s longer before Dumbo blows his trumpet.

* PS Dear scientists: I don’t care what your research says; if you think there’s no such thing as a G-spot you have not encountered an actual vagina before.

Myth #1: Vibrators are only for women.

Seems reasonable enough on the surface, right? A lot of women need the extra stimulation of a vibrator on their clitoris to experience orgasm reliably. There aren’t many men out there who are buying vibrators, so most of the ones you’ll find in the store are what the sex toy manufacturers consider “feminine” – pink, flowery, punctuated with adorable woodland creatures. But the simple fact remains that vibrators vibrate, and vibrations, whatever packaging they come in, generally feel good on all erectile tissues, regardless of who they belong to. This includes: the penis, balls, perineum (taint!), and the entire anal area. There is no specific specialization in vibrators that makes them unique to women, except, perhaps that the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the head of the penis, thus making it a little more sensitive to the effects of vibration.

This is such good news for you! It means you can add something new and awesome to your sexual repertoire! Or at the very least, it offers yet another avenue of experimentation. Of course, this begs the question, how on earth do you choose a vibrator and how do you use it?

As with any foray into new territory, sexual or otherwise, it’s good to start simple. Build on sensations that you already enjoy. For example, if you like wearing a cock ring for solo or partner play, try out a vibrating cock ring. You’ll get the sensation of vibration at the base of your cock and balls, and if you try out a toy like our Magic Touch Cock Ring, or the cock ring/vibe combo in our Early to Rise Signature Kit, you can remove the vibrator and experiment with different sensations using just that toy! See how the mini vibe feels on different parts of your genitals – cup your hand around it and rub the head of your cock, if it isn’t too sensitive, or run it along the underside of your penis, up to and including the head. If you like ball play, press it against the seam of your balls or swirl it along the sac. You can press it into your perineum or the outside of your anus. Do NOT insert a small vibe like the Magic Touch Mini or Power Bullet into your ass. You’ll need a toy with a flared base for that kind of vibrator play. More on that later.

See how all these different sensations feel. Maybe you want to incorporate them during your regular masturbatory sessions for heightened sensation. Maybe you want a partner to use the mini-vibe on you. Don’t feel limited to just your dick, either. Rub the vibe on your inner thighs, nipples, buttocks, anywhere you normally enjoy being touched erotically.

Perhaps you’ll find that such a small vibe doesn’t do the trick and you need something more powerful. This isn’t uncommon for men, who are often used to a great deal of friction while masturbating. Maybe you’ll want to upgrade to a more intense vibrator. We’ve got powerful bullet vibes, like the Greta, simple, strong vibes like Double Tap, or the most powerful whopper of them all – the Hitachi Magic Wand. Only you know what kind of sensation you want, so don’t be afraid to try out different things!

If butt play is more your bag, you have lots of great options. Men are super-lucky to have a prostate gland, which feels great when stimulated, and which is most efficiently reached through the ass (about 1-2 inches inside). Lots of toys are designed to hit this sweet spot, and quite a few of them vibrate. You can go with a vibrating butt plug, which is meant to be inserted and stay in place, creating pressure and a pleasant feeling of fullness. Some great prostate stimulating butt plugs include Mae, Pandora, the Nexus Vibro (super-intense!) and any of the Gerri plugs. You can also go the route of a vibrating dildo, which you would use for in-and-out penetration and which come in varying sizes. Some great starter vibrating dildos include the Pink Panther, Woody, and the Leo Kit. And if you’re really coveting your partner’s Rabbit Habit, you could also get one of your own and try it out anally – it might not be the most efficient means of playing with your ass, but it’s safe to try, as the external tickler will keep it from being sucked inside. Just be sure to use a condom to make clean up easy!

So, in summation,vibrators are good for anyone who has lots of nerve endings and likes feeling good. They do not require any specific type of genitals, just an enjoyment of sex and a willingness to explore what gets you hot.

Scoreboard
Myths: 0          Early to Rise: 1

Dear Troubled in Toyland:
When it comes to toys and new partners I think it’s best to start small (there is a joke in there somewhere but I’m steering clear of it). Thinking small gets me to thinking along the lines of a vibrating cockring here (like the Magic Touch Cockring or the Leather Vibe Ring), a small butt plug (like Mae or Buddy) there.  Starting small enables you to treat the introduction of toys as something playful and non threatening. If you start with the life size fire hydrant dildo you picked up in Amsterdam on a whim, you may frighten your new pal before you get a chance to work up to something bigger. It’ll give you a chance to get an idea of how your new partner feels about toys in general. If they freak at the sight of a small buttplug there’s a good chance they won’t be excited about the rest of the equipment in your toybox. A vibrating cock ring can be slipped on before you get down to business, a quick trip to the bathroom and you come out with a new motor. When you start to play and you’re down to your skivvies you can murmur “Guess what I can do?” and then reach for the on button. It’s playful, non-threatening and hopefully you’ll both be buzzing before you know it.

Another alternative is to go shopping together, online or in person. If you’re anything like me, you dig a good shopping experience. It’ll give you and yours a chance to explore what’s out there together and see what excites, titillates, grosses out and makes each of you giggle. The bonus of a toy that you pick out and buy together is that it will be a new experience for both of you, with the added excitement of having a shopping trip that you can’t wait to get home from.

Once you’ve introduced the idea of a toy to your new partner then you can play each session by ear. If you want to get out the toy chest and have him pick one, go for it. You can make a game of it, give him the box and then offer to be blindfolded while he chooses.  The important thing is to make it fun for both of you so that any awkward moments of “Hey how do I turn this thing off” are met with playfulness rather than frustration.

Good luck and happy gadgeting.

I am sending in this review for Please Stroke Cream via Gmail and these are the ads on my side-bar: Scented Hand Cream. Hydrating Eye Cream. Whip Cream Maker. Cream of Potato Soup. Q: Besides being various and sundry creams, what more do they have in common? A: These are all things that I would have used to try to get myself off as a 13 year old.

I am pleased to say that I am many years down the road of enjoying masturbation for more than its possibilities in frequency and ferocity. I have tried a handful of sleeves and butt plugs with various lubes, and mix them up for the variety of texture and approaches. Perhaps I have gained the vanity of a masturbatory sophisticate, but it seems that the only time that I uncork myself manually is when I am traveling or staying at my parents’. Under such circumstances it is a dry process requiring only the expert management of friction that practiced knowledge of one’s craft can produce (and a means to clean my surroundings). It would be an elegant display of skill but that it seems so dishonorable of a discharge.

Among the growing number of toys for men’s play, Please Stroke Cream is a humble offering to self-play. It has no suction, no nodules, no extensions, no need for cleaning or hiding spots in the underwear drawer. It comes in a compact container, smaller than the typical tub of pomade. It has a attractive scent, something like a lightly buttery citrus, and in texture is similar to a hair product with a light hold. And it is a very attractive and enjoyable way to get back in touch with yourself.

Please Stroke Cream has the slick lube feel of Vaseline but with the cleaner feeling of hand lotion. It is something of a green technology to the fossil fuel of petroleum jelly (so cruelly maligned by teenagers through ignorant “butt seks” associations). Having gone back and forth in testing both, I found that the Stroke Cream produces a very comfortable and consistent glide with a performance that is reminiscent of, if not quite the same as, Vaseline. The clearest difference is that in that unromantic moment after finishing, there is much less of a “get this off me right now” feeling. It is less goopy and washes off much more easily and cleanly, a very nice advantage unless you want to include the shower as a venue. In its friendliness to handle, the Stroke Cream is much similar to the other bathroom mainstays of hand lotions and moisturizers. But in performance, when used for masturbation it does not ever lose its viscosity nor does it rub in, even throughout a long session. And no need to even try comparing it with baby oil, that thin, perfume-y, dazzlingly slick, but ultimately disastrous substance.

One thing to keep in mind is that it is not latex-compatible and not recommended for intercourse. However, it is a great and agreeable substance to entice a partner for hand jobs. Water-based lube would dry out before the task could be completed, and whereas unlubed attempts can range from not-quite-right to disasters (my college roommates once collected themselves into the lobby group and brotherhood MAME: “Men Against Manual Ejaculation”), you can adjust the amount of the cream used to help even the most uncertain partner make the most fickle orgasm happen. On your own, choosing different levels of coating can supply a good range of workouts from light to downright self-abusive. And while I have come to be very fond of masturbation sleeves, it was very nice and surprising that the trade-off for giving up the coziness and clever textures of a sleeve is the amount of control that you have manually, being able to focus and manage pressure on just the right spots. Getting to try this product out reminded me of how simple and enormously satisfying it is to just get yourself off without any big toys or tricks, but without the attention requirements and limitations of doing it dry.

Please Stroke Cream is just exactly what a cream for masturbation should be. It is not a revelation in itself, being an assistant to such a familiar mode of getting off. But it is a capable assistant, smells great, and is downright hygienic and civilized compared to the alternatives. It is an excellent way to mix up your routine and get back to thrilling basics, or just help you do what you do best on a regular basis. It would also make a great medicine cabinet stocking stuffer for your local post-pubescent teen. Both he and the cream of broccoli soup with thank you.

S/M, and kink in general, has a complicated relationship with masculinity.  Those who want to submit to a partner can feel like they are surrendering some of their manhood and that wanting to be tied up and controlled makes them less of a man.  Guys who want to administer sexy punishments to their loved one may be concerned about being too harsh, demeaning or sexist, especially if their partner is female.  Kinky sex doesn’t have to carry a statement about your gender, or your gender politics, if you communicate with your sweetie and take a few things into consideration:

Bottom Boys

Whether you just want to be handcuffed to the bed once in a while, or you want a full on boot cleaning, flogging and paddles scenario, embracing your submissive side can be a challenge.  Men are taught that they are supposed to be the dominant partner, the alpha, and be in control at all times.  Mainstream pornography is full of images of men tossing women around and pinning them to the bed, fulfilling plenty of damsel-in-distress fantasies while feeding into the myth that to be a strong male partner, one must be on top.  Much of this stems from the idea that women are “supposed” to be the submissive sexual partner, and if a man is taking a submissive role, that means he is feminine.  And femininity is bad.  But we all know that line of thinking is silly, right?  If you want to be feminine, then embrace it because there is nothing better or worse about femininity and masculinity.  And if you identify as a “guy’s guy” and being a tough dude is important to you, you can certainly still bottom to your partner.  Knowing how you like to get off doesn’t make a statement about your gender – it just says you are smart enough to go after what you want!

If you are nervous about voicing your needs to your partner, start slow.  Ask them about any fantasies they might have and how you can help them achieve that.  If your partner likes to be on top during foreplay or sex, or sometimes can be aggressive, tell them how much you like it when they do that.  Focus on specific things they do that sincerely turn you on, as they key to any potential dominant’s heart is flattery.  Then mention how you want to expand on that.  Remember to make this about your interaction as a couple.  No one likes to feel that their partner is ordering sex from them like a meal at a fast food joint.

Through all of this, keep in mind that this has everything to do with you and your partner and creating a kick-ass sex life.  Just like being able to pin a girl down and fuck her senseless doesn’t make that guy more of a man (sorry, guys!), wanting to be putty in your partner’s hands doesn’t diminish who you are or challenge your identity as a dude.

Bossy Boys

Of course, on the other side of the coin are the men who want to be the aggressor.  The guys who want to tie up a gal or spank their partner senseless, or who have a partner who wants to be dominated by them.  In my time as a professional top and sex educator, I’ve found that most of the anxiety around this happens in heterosexual couples, primarily in couples where the female partner has asked to be controlled in bed by her guy.  While all different kinds of scenarios are possible, I’d like to address that particular one as it seems to be the most common.

Sex positive, feminist, socially-aware men are (in my experience) often great in bed.  They are open to communication, connection and kinky ideas.  They are especially considerate when it comes to not objectifying their partner and being aware of how sexism can enter the bedroom – and sexism is a huge mood killer.  But when a lady wants to be objectified… that is when things can get tough.  Getting a sweet, aware guy to slap a gal and call her a slut on her request can be quite a challenge.

It is understandable that there would be some hesitation in hitting and degrading a woman.  But what if your lady has asked you to do it?  First, discuss any initial concerns with her.  Some men are concerned they will really cause some damage, either physically or emotionally.  Talk about limits and playing with a code word that would stop all the action if it got too intense.  Ask her what she is after specifically – what words and actions get her going?  What are things she doesn’t want?  Keep in mind, though, that you don’t need to be the gatekeeper for her fantasies.  No woman wants to hear that she doesn’t really want what she is asking for – she does, and she is telling you all about it.

If you get to a point where you’ve found some mutual comfortable ground, follow her lead.  Listen for moans and sounds of pleasure, and follow them.  Goad her into telling you what she wants.  As the top, you have the edge of being able to get her to tell you what she needs.  Questions like “You like it when I spank you, don’t you?” and “You’re a bad girl, aren’t you?” can open many doors and make it much easier for you to know what direction to head in.  Take pleasure in your partner’s pleasure, and don’t feel guilt if you love spanking a naked girl until she squeals.  As long as you wouldn’t hit a woman or call her a slut outside of the bedroom – or inside and without her consent – there is no need to fret.  Working as a team to make sure she can safely live out her fantasy is an important part of a solid, and equal, partnership.

What an awesome query. I hope I can be of some service. I always think it’s exciting when a partner turns to another and asks to be led down a new path; it shows high interest, communication, and a spirit of forward momentum.

So, you’re looking for a decent plot and a competent acting. Now, I enjoy my porn. Been through a lot. Not once have I ever, ever seen either of these things– much less both of them together. I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist; I’m just saying that even the best Conquistadors know when to stop wandering the jungle and say, “Fuck it, it ain’t here man.”

The good news is that porn is supposedly rolling into a revolution. Progressive sex-positive folk are doing our best to encourage the budding indie porn scene. Film by film, these porno pioneers honorably try to break the formulaic, chauvinistic, cheesy, thoughtless and fake mold. Women are also taking their place behind the camera and behind the production desk to give the industry what it needs – a little balance.

Women are not only making porn; they are also consuming porn. A giant reason for that is due in part to the work of a woman named Violet Blue. Violet has been matching the right porn to the right woman for a long time. She is the sommelier of the porn industry. Violet Blue even penned a book on the subject: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn. If you are going to be truly dedicated to your project (or if you just like to keep really sweet books around the house), I think you should buy the book. At the very least Violet Blue is worth a serious googling.

If you are looking for something you are both going to want to sit through, I highly encourage you to start with instructional videos. I know this isn’t porn, per se, but my lady friend and I hardly ever make it through one with all our clothes on, and can you ever really know too much about sex? Videos like Nina Hartley’s guides (any of them, really) OR Vivid Ed’s selection, produced by the lovely and talented Tristan Taormino, cover cunnilingus, fellatio, anal, and more. I think they are very watchable. Penny Flame has Expert Guide to Handjobs that is a lot of fun (then again, I am a little sweet on her, so I am biased).

Speaking of Tristan Taormino- after she published the instructional books that made her famous, she began producing porn (like the titles mentioned above). Tristan Taormino’s Chemistry series was a revolutionary concept in porn. She filled a house with porn stars whom she knew and respected and filmed them, a la Real World. The stars negotiated their own pairings and “scenes” and then acted them out, the theory being that the cast would be respectful of one another and completely professional. Tristan cleverly solved the acting and plot problem plaguing porn by simply removing the need for them.

Violet Blue put a director on my radar named Eon McKai. He is putting out porn that can best be described as porn for the alternative generation. His style of alt-porn comes right out of the suicide girl brand of sexuality (where he worked as a photographer). This is certainly breaking the tired (some might say classic) porn visual aesthetic but I can’t guarantee any innovation in formula. His website will allow you a peak into his style with an option to buy. Larger companies are marketing trailers for their films (see Digital Playground’s podcast) and that might also serve as a tool for searching out the right film for you.

For those who have more bold taste, Ninn Worx is putting out highly stylized porn. I can only best describe them as “art installment” porn. In my opinion, it isn’t something anyone would sit down and watch all the way through, but I can see it as sex party ambience. Let me put it this way, I would much rather my snooty intellectual colleagues find this by accident on my bookshelf rather than my bootleg of Big Wet Asses 12 (which I am not ashamed of by the way). I am referring to the films Fem Adagio and Sacred Sin. From the work I have seen I can guarantee the “formula” problem has been turned on its head, but the male-centered aspect of the actual sex acts is still front and center. Deal with that as you will.

Early to Bed (and, of course, Early to Rise) in Chicago can also hook you up with the products of local porn studios (one of which is Early to Bed itself!), and you can support the Chicago industry and feel good about yourself in more ways that one. I encourage you to pop into a sex positive store with films that have reviews posted by other shoppers or at the very least a competent and friendly staff to pull down a few of their favorite skin flicks.

If my recommendations or anyone else’s don’t take, I hope you don’t feel discouraged. Consider making your own porn if that’s something you think your lady friend might be into. And don’t forget, there’s a whole wide world of dirty images to sort through. The fact is that you have a lady who has expressed interest in something that you like! Enjoy it, and happy hunting!