One Little Thing, Honey… or Telling Her You’re Kinky

SecretlyKinked writes: So, I’ve seen this girl for a week or so, and she seems really nice, but there’s one thing I haven’t broached with her yet: I want to be dominated in bed. I don’t know how to bring this up! Or act upon it, really. My one friend I’ve confided in told me that I should go get professional services? I’m really not sure. What kind of things could I lightly get her warmed up to the idea? Or maybe I should go see a psychiatrist.

Dear SK:

Congratulations, not just for your budding relationship, but for being conscious of your sexual desires. Do not listen to your friends who say that you need psychological help. Being kinky is not a mental illness!

But how will your potential new girlfriend react? I can see why this would be frightening. What if she thinks you’re a freak? What if she’s not into the same thing? These are valid fears, and I don’t want to minimize them. But you’re right to want to be completely open about who you are. You would be weakening your relationship from the start to pretend to be someone else.

A good way to start is to ask her about things that turn her on first. Does she have any fantasies? Did she do anything different with other boyfriends that really turned her on?

Now let’s be honest: the odds that someone you met just happens to have kinks that line up with yours are tiny. So let’s assume you didn’t win the sexual lottery and stumble across a secret dominatrix.

The next best case scenario is that she has her own kinks and desires that aren’t necessarily compatible with yours. For example, suppose she also wants to be dominated. This isn’t necessarily bad: someone who is open to their own kinks will understand another person’s better. There’s a good chance she’ll willing to scratch your kink sometimes if you scratch hers others.

But it’s fairly likely that she will tell you she doesn’t have any kinky fantasies. Even if she has them, she’s likely been taught you don’t discuss those things. Nevertheless, you still must be open about your own desires. It will help if you’ve thought a lot about exactly what they are. “Wanting to be dominated in bed” can mean so many things. Do you like to worship women’s feet? Be spanked? Made to cross-dress?

Not that you want to go into that kind of detail when you first talk to her about it, especially if she’s not the sexually adventurous type. But if she’s willing to explore your fantasies, she’ll want to know what to do. In this case, you’ll want to start small. If she finds these things get you hot, she might be open to try more. But be patient, and don’t expect her to do it right at first.

If you worship feet, she would probably be open to an extensive foot massage from you. If you like to cross-dress, she might let you wear her panties for a day. If you’ve got a cuckold fetish she might tell you about all the sexy things old boyfriends used to do to her. And if you like to be spanked, she might be willing to give you a swat or two before sex.

Or she might not. Then you need to decide how important your kink is to you. If your relationship is satisfying otherwise, and you have good non-kinky sex, you can’t be blamed for not wanting to throw it away over one thing. Unless, like your friends, she thinks that having kinky desires means there’s something wrong with you, and recommends therapy. If you can’t make her understand you are who you are and there’s nothing wrong with you, I’d strongly suggest you move on.

Regardless, let me recommend you check out Fetlife.com, an enormous worldwide social network of kinky people. It’s not so much a dating site (though it can be that, too) as a place where you can meet people who won’t think you need therapy for having your own distinct sexuality. Good luck!

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