Giving Her a Hand

Handjob, fingering, vaginal massage, and the ever-charming “fingerbang” – there’s many ways to say manual stimulation of a vulva, but in my experience, a few tricks and important things to consider have certainly done the job.  And do it well.

First off, we should recognize that all bodies are not alike, including one’s gender.  So while I am talking about manual pleasure for a cisgender woman, because I have the most experience with that, this should by no means disregard or look over stimulation for trans men or trans women who have had bottom surgery.

Simply put, talk to your partner about what they want, and how they feel before and while you’re stimulating them!

Ok, ok.  Yes, there are some good standbys that I’ve found work with most people.  And the point is to bring new “techniques” and “sensations” to her that she may not even think of, right?  Yes.  But for goodness sake, check in with your partner.  Some gals can’t stand even a pinky in their vagina, or only can handle a rubbing around her clit rather than directly on it.  This is not good or bad.  It just is, and your (and her) job is to figure out what feels great.

First, some basic hygiene tips.  Trim or at least file your nails so not to scratch her up inside.  Wash your hands if you can, or maybe think about putting on some latex or nitrile gloves to keep things clean and smooth.  The vagina has a pH system that is altered with small moisture and sweat on one’s hand.  Not that you need to completely sterilize your hands (especially not with those hand sanitizer chemicals!), but just do be conscious and careful.

So, just like a penis, no two vulvas are made equally.  Some have protruding inner labia, some have small clits, some feel differently and react differently, etc.  The point is, respect the cunt.  This is not simply a quick foreplay technique, but could be the hot sex you’ve always desired.


Original photo from WikiCommons

At first, be natural, be slow, and explore what’s outside her vaginal opening.  In the heat of the moment, we can all get carried away.  Feel her thighs, her outer labia.  You can even use a gentle massage around that to get the juices flowing.

Don’t directly go for the clit right away.  Warming up is crucial to a good hand fuck.  Massage around the clit, move the inner labia around.  You usually should feel at least some wetness – but if there isn’t and she wants more I suggest using some water-based lube to help out.

Explore the vulva for all its worth.  Take time to play inside by rubbing around the urethral opening and around the vagina.  There are so many delicious sensitive nerves to stimulate besides penetrating her vaginally!

When you do go for the clit, do it softly but intently.  You may want to massage around it, or make small circles pressing lightly over the clitoral hood.  Many women cannot stand to be directly stimulated on the glans – or the clitoris itself – at least until they’ve been revved up.

If she enjoys penetration, you may want to put your index or middle finger inside (try it with lube!) while keeping your thumb out to stimulate the clit or different parts of her vulva.  I like to use two fingers, the index and middle, to penetrate while curving them just a bit so that their G-spot is stimulated as well.  Try slowly pivoting your hand back and forth when you enter and exit to see how that feels.

More and more, please? Well then, if she can do three to four fingers, still while your thumb bumps up against the clit, do it very slowly until she feels stretched out and relaxed into a pre-orgasmic bliss.

getting-ready-to-fistFisting may not be for the casual hand fuck, but it certainly is biologically doable and doesn’t have to hurt!  If you and her do want to try this, compress your fingers and hand almost into a “spear.”  I strongly recommend wearing a glove, using lots of lube, and probably putting a towel underneath her.  If you manage to get inside, very slowly move your fingers, clench them into a fist if you can, but for all that is holy – follow her lead. If it hurts too much, stop and go back to what feels good. This isn’t the Sex Olympics, and no one should be coerced into or feel bad about the “amount” they can be penetrated with.

My last piece of advice is to watch some authentic lesbian, dyke and queer porn!  I’ve taken a lot of hints from Crash Pad Series, Courtney Trouble films, Abby Winters, and now Good Dyke Porn.  Also, I haven’t checked this out yet, but I’ve heard that Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms is very hot and informative!  Maybe you both could use a little show and tell from the star “sexperts” themselves!

All in all, manual stimulation and fucking with your hand has so many benefits.  It’s sexy, it frees you up to use a variety of positions, it makes you pay attention to the whole vulva, and it’s a very very safe way to have great sex!

Enjoy your sexy times,


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