Ben writes: So, my partner and I have been seeing each other for a while, and I’m really into approaching her about getting female ejaculation into our sex life. I’ve done a little research and know that it has something to do with her G-spot, but I haven’t found many clear answers. How do I bring this up, and are there any books and toys that you’d recommend to get the juices flowing?
This is a great question. This is actually something my lady and I are working on right now, although it’s kind of like the garage that I don’t have and keep putting off painting. We wanna do it, we say we are gonna make time — but still, it has not been made priority. We are not the only ones unfocused on the issue. For whatever reasons, the issue of female ejaculation (or Squirting or Shiofuki) has been pretty closeted. It’s rarely brought up in popular culture and usually ends up relegated to only a small corner of a rather vast porn media. What gives?
The largest, most immediate stumbling block revolves around ignorance on the part of both genders. I’ve noticed that most men fall into one of two categories when it comes to the issue: the people who have no experience with female ejaculation and are terribly afraid of being peed on (IT’S NOT PEE!!),and the people who have had a first hand baptism and are all for sitting in the splash zone. Maybe this is you, or maybe you have onwww.early2rise.netand were pretty damn turned on like I was. I mean, when I squirt I feel good. When women squirt they must feel pretty good too! Right? So my then-girlfriend and I decided to try it. Then came the failure. Why did we fail? Well, turns out the subject is a lot more complicated than my man logic first presented (and that hardly ever happens). So, in an effort to allow you to avoid my mistakes, I am going to do my best to raise a few points.
Your question came in a few parts and the first was a question of communication. How can you bring it up? Communication is the key to being good at not only sex but at life, (which are basically one and the same). Bringing it up should be pretty simple. If you are a “couple” and an intimate one at that, you would think that talking about sex would be a cinch. Sex is like the old condom adage, “If you aren’t mature enough to buy a condom maybe you aren’t mature enough to have sex.” Perhaps you’re concerned because the topic of squirting can be taboo? It shouldn’t be. Remember, you squirt too dude. Just go for it.
I encourage you to talk about all sorts of things regarding your sex lives. If this particular topic is uncomfortable or sensitive, then ease into it. Open your sexual dialogue until it is wide enough to include all topics. Allow me to introduce my patented “table method”. My wife and I have been “putting things on the table” for a while now, and needless to say it’s a big damn table at this point. Putting something on the table doesn’t mean it has to be picked up at any point in the near future, it just means you can both look at it when you want to, in your own time, and maybe pick it up together when the time/mood seems to be mutually agreeable. This is why the “just putting it on the table” method is so awesome. It’s truly the Socratic approach to an awesome sex partnership. Discovering personal answers to sexual questions through simply positing questions and encouraging dialogue. Ex: “What do you think about squirting? Did you know that…? You know how I like it when you let me cum on your face? You ever wanna cum on mine?” Etc…
Now for the heady stuff, I encourage you to ask yourself why you want to do this. If you have tried unsuccessfully at this in the past, the problem might be you. I know other men who have tried and “failed”. They “can’t do it”. Well guess what dude. No shit, cause you don’t have a Cunt (I always capitalize Cunt). These men want to enter into the squirting realm with their own egos leading the charge. It’s not a “trick for you to learn”. This isn’t a way for you to increase your bed value. It’s not something you can really add to your “bag of tricks”. It’s a pretty sweet biological reaction that you might have the pleasure of being a part of someday. I am not saying this is your M.O. I’m just asking you to check to make sure it’s not.
If this is something you two are both interested in and are going to take a crack at then I am going to really encourage you to encourage her to learn on her own as best she can. You’re not a coach or a cheerleader. Just an excited, encouraging friend. Trust me, what you give up in prideful bragging rights, you get back in better sex with a more self possessed and self-confident lover.
The other part of your question concerns toys. I wish I had a great toy to recommend that grantees results in squirting dividends but I don’t. I might have, however, something even better. If you want to know where to go for the best information on the topic I have the scoop. The real Grand PooBah in this field is the AMAZING woman, pioneer, and pretty much all around badass Debroah Sundhal. Her books, DVDs, workshops, lectures and everything else can be found on her website: http://www.isismedia.org/ She approaches her work with the female G-Spot from the Tantra practice. But, rather than making it sound all Voodoo tree-humpy, she actually makes it seem much more like common sense and as a result is much more approachable in terms of her techniques. I think that’s pretty cool.
So, the nuts and bolts are like most things in life: complicated and simple at the same time. Some women have always been squirters, others not until after something like childbirth, and even more have never even heard of the term. The real key to tapping into the spring is G-Spot recognition. Learning how to use the G-Sot is really more about changing the way you relate to it and think about it rather than just locating and pushing a hyper-thrust button. You will both have to probably slow way down as a couple and re-introduce each other to petting on the inside and out. Once you have located the G-spot you need to put some time into perfecting the tease. If you want her to squirt, you will have to build up the fluid contained there. When the time comes to let it go, she will know. All she needs to do is push it out. Now, I make it sound simple but I am talking about a lot of baby steps, communication and practice. But it’s ok – you like practice don’t you? I thought so.
Spend time with it — preferably with a favorite firm toy. Not an internal vibrator! Don’t vibrate the G-spot. Press and caress the G-Spot. Eventually she should learn how to recognize the feeling of swelling and the difference in feeling between built up ejaculate and the need to urinate. This is a good thing, that recognizable feeling of pressure is what she should be looking out for. Over time she should be able to physically squeeze or push that fluid out to varying degrees of success using her mad pubococcygeus skills. A good, firm (safe) plastic or glass dildo with a nice curve is going to be invaluable in finding the g-spot and building that fluid, but most women find it incredibly difficult to squirt with something inside their vaginas. So. take it out when the tide comes. Once she has learned how to build it up and squirt, then you can get in on the picture. Now it’s team work time. Let her teach you. Slow and steady wins the race.
That being said, I would like to bring up some female ejaculation points and bust some myths. First off, Female Ejaculation is not urine! Jebus, for the billionth time. Just give it a whiff for crying out loud. Ladies, I understand it might feel like you have to pee but just be cool. If that sensation is just too scary, then I suggest attacking that mental block. Give yourself some insurance by remembering to urinate before you play. Also, consider playing somewhere other than the bed. Somewhere in the house with tile or at least a room not covered in cotton.
Deborah says it best, “The G-spot is the female prostate. All women have one, as do all men. Female ejaculation is prostatic fluid and all women can ejaculate if they want to.” Now, your lady might be a trickling brook, or she might be a tsunami. Who knows? And that brings us to another point: Not everyone is a cinematic squirter. The people you see in porn – well, now, that’s why they’re in porn, now isn’t it? Don’t worry, the amount of fluid is not an indicator of the amount of pleasure. If the two of you want more fluid, see how long you can both play at swelling the G-Spot. Make a game of it. Also, make sure she’s hydrated (and you too — this could literally take hours), and like everything else in a woman’s life, the amount of fluid may be affected by her menstrual cycle..
Best of luck, and happy squirting! God, that’s fun to say.