So You Want To Be a Spanker (or Spankee)!

by Mistress Crimson

S/M, and kink in general, has a complicated relationship with masculinity.  Those who want to submit to a partner can feel like they are surrendering some of their manhood and that wanting to be tied up and controlled makes them less of a man.  Guys who want to administer sexy punishments to their loved one may be concerned about being too harsh, demeaning or sexist, especially if their partner is female.  Kinky sex doesn’t have to carry a statement about your gender, or your gender politics, if you communicate with your sweetie and take a few things into consideration:

Bottom Boys

Whether you just want to be handcuffed to the bed once in a while, or you want a full on boot cleaning, flogging and paddles scenario, embracing your submissive side can be a challenge.  Men are taught that they are supposed to be the dominant partner, the alpha, and be in control at all times.  Mainstream pornography is full of images of men tossing women around and pinning them to the bed, fulfilling plenty of damsel-in-distress fantasies while feeding into the myth that to be a strong male partner, one must be on top.  Much of this stems from the idea that women are “supposed” to be the submissive sexual partner, and if a man is taking a submissive role, that means he is feminine.  And femininity is bad.  But we all know that line of thinking is silly, right?  If you want to be feminine, then embrace it because there is nothing better or worse about femininity and masculinity.  And if you identify as a “guy’s guy” and being a tough dude is important to you, you can certainly still bottom to your partner.  Knowing how you like to get off doesn’t make a statement about your gender – it just says you are smart enough to go after what you want!

If you are nervous about voicing your needs to your partner, start slow.  Ask them about any fantasies they might have and how you can help them achieve that.  If your partner likes to be on top during foreplay or sex, or sometimes can be aggressive, tell them how much you like it when they do that.  Focus on specific things they do that sincerely turn you on, as they key to any potential dominant’s heart is flattery.  Then mention how you want to expand on that.  Remember to make this about your interaction as a couple.  No one likes to feel that their partner is ordering sex from them like a meal at a fast food joint.

Through all of this, keep in mind that this has everything to do with you and your partner and creating a kick-ass sex life.  Just like being able to pin a girl down and fuck her senseless doesn’t make that guy more of a man (sorry, guys!), wanting to be putty in your partner’s hands doesn’t diminish who you are or challenge your identity as a dude.

Bossy Boys

Of course, on the other side of the coin are the men who want to be the aggressor.  The guys who want to tie up a gal or spank their partner senseless, or who have a partner who wants to be dominated by them.  In my time as a professional top and sex educator, I’ve found that most of the anxiety around this happens in heterosexual couples, primarily in couples where the female partner has asked to be controlled in bed by her guy.  While all different kinds of scenarios are possible, I’d like to address that particular one as it seems to be the most common.

Sex positive, feminist, socially-aware men are (in my experience) often great in bed.  They are open to communication, connection and kinky ideas.  They are especially considerate when it comes to not objectifying their partner and being aware of how sexism can enter the bedroom – and sexism is a huge mood killer.  But when a lady wants to be objectified… that is when things can get tough.  Getting a sweet, aware guy to slap a gal and call her a slut on her request can be quite a challenge.

It is understandable that there would be some hesitation in hitting and degrading a woman.  But what if your lady has asked you to do it?  First, discuss any initial concerns with her.  Some men are concerned they will really cause some damage, either physically or emotionally.  Talk about limits and playing with a code word that would stop all the action if it got too intense.  Ask her what she is after specifically – what words and actions get her going?  What are things she doesn’t want?  Keep in mind, though, that you don’t need to be the gatekeeper for her fantasies.  No woman wants to hear that she doesn’t really want what she is asking for – she does, and she is telling you all about it.

If you get to a point where you’ve found some mutual comfortable ground, follow her lead.  Listen for moans and sounds of pleasure, and follow them.  Goad her into telling you what she wants.  As the top, you have the edge of being able to get her to tell you what she needs.  Questions like “You like it when I spank you, don’t you?” and “You’re a bad girl, aren’t you?” can open many doors and make it much easier for you to know what direction to head in.  Take pleasure in your partner’s pleasure, and don’t feel guilt if you love spanking a naked girl until she squeals.  As long as you wouldn’t hit a woman or call her a slut outside of the bedroom – or inside and without her consent – there is no need to fret.  Working as a team to make sure she can safely live out her fantasy is an important part of a solid, and equal, partnership.

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