Hey Hudson Cole — I’m looking to buy a toy for my girlfriend and I to use together, but I’ve heard stories of women liking their toys better than their boyfriends, so I don’t want to get her something that’s going to replace me. What does that leave me with?
Dear Batteries Not Included,
I could give you a shopping list a mile long of toys you are “left with” but I consider my job here at the website a higher calling. I aim to change your entire perspective. You are evoking what I like to call the Vibrator Paranoia Paradigm, and you need to think about this a different way. Before you march down the wrong road, let’s take a look at what you said.
You want to buy your lady a toy. What a nice guy. I remember “discovering” sex toys. Suddenly, I had my childhood back. Christmas around my house was all about toys again. We ain’t talking no Toys ‘R Us shit either. There is some wild crazy fun stuff out there, man. Remember when you got a new toy as a kid, and you couldn’t wait to show it off and play with it and learn how it worked? Being an adult with a new toy is no different. Have fun.
We both know how nerve-wracking gift shopping for a special someone can be. My advice is to include her. You can accomplish a lot with this route. Work smarter not harder, man. I suggest you make a date of it — you won’t get the wrong toy if she knows what she likes. If she is a novice as well, this is a great opportunity to engage in shop talk with an employee and learn something. When you include her in the shopping experience, you can bring a toy to bed that you picked out together, thereby removing any anxiety from either party. For the love of all that is good and holy do not cop out and get a gift certificate for your girlfriend. Please don’t squander this sex toy shopping experience; they’re a blast. Someday you will be old and decrepit, and you will have to send someone else out to do all of your sex toy shopping.
So let’s discuss your concern. Now, as I said, there are tons of different toys out there, but your concerns of being replaced lead me to believe that you are shopping for a vibrator. You, like many other men, are worried that if there is a desire for a toy, it might be a sign of inadequacy. I’m not sure where this concern comes from; the male ego is fragile enough, so allow me to relieve you of at least one unnecessary worry. Sometimes a sexy toy is just a sex toy. The lady has an itch; shall she not scratch?
You say to me, “I think it might replace me,” and I say to you, “Can it kill spiders?” I somehow doubt that the vanguard of the robot master plan to enslave the human race is to first sexually subjugate our girlfriends by turning them to their robot will and away from us. I buy sex toys for my lady friend with confidence, knowing that if I am that replaceable, then we got bigger problems.
Look at it from the male angle. Think about how much the average guy masturbates. Then think about how much he does it if he is on vacation. Masturbation is great. Until you have the chance to have sex — any kind of sex. Suddenly, masturbation can lose some of its lustre. Women are no different. I’m quite grateful for toys, both mine and hers. I happen to travel a bit, and though toys won’t replace you, they can act as an understudy. Take porn for example. Men love porn. A lot. I think we can agree that it’s the sex toy of the male masses. I think we can also agree that porn has kept both you and me out of a lot of trouble in the past. Again, women are no different.
Hopefully, you’re over your fears by now. You mentioned that you wanted something the two of you could use together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can use a vibrator on her and it’s fun. However, you should really try letting her use it on you — in every way possible. My lady friend and I had our first joint toy experience with a vibrating butt plug she bought. Just between you and me, a vibrating butt plug will turn a super pussy into a super duper pussy. Buy a vibrating butt plug, have her put it in (or put it in for her!), and then have sex — holy god it’s amazing. Or, if she’s not into anal, buy a regular old vibrator, and let her use anywhere she’d use her mouth on you. A vibrator is a fantastic starter toy, it’s something you both can use, and while you’re shopping for it, you’re likely to find about seventeen other things you both might like.
If you’re still too afraid to buy your lady a joystick then keep this in mind. Your girlfriend isn’t going to like a pair of handcuffs better than you, or a blindfold, or any of the other MILLIONS of toys that take two to tango. There is a whole wide world of sex toys that aren’t meant for solo play at all. Maybe one of you likes getting roughed up, dressed up, or tied up? Once you are with a safe, loving partner, the sky is the limit. And you can rest assured that if you do your job right, she will be demanding post-coital snuggling from you, not some toy. Just don’t forget to pick up the milk on your way home…and maybe some flowers.
Got a burning question for Hudson Cole? Send it to eden(at)early2bed(dot)com and he’ll answer it for you!