Carnal Consultant Review: Sidekick Jerk-Off Sleeve

Review by ELR

(She-who-will-not-be-named) is the first girl I’ve gone on vacation with. Surprisingly enough, even though we’ve gone abroad, to New York City, and to pre-Katrina New Orleans, I think our most romantic trip together took us to the House on the Rock in Spring Green, Wisconsin. The House on the Rock is a roadside attraction along the lines of the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine, The Great Blacks in Wax Museum, and the Ben & Jerry’s Flavor Graveyard, but more our speed. Five hours outside of Chicago, it’s a museum constructed around a house, built by an eccentric nutbag on worthless land in the middle of nowhere. In the museum, you will find a life-size replica of a whale fighting a giant squid, room after room of musical robots, and the world’s largest indoor carousel, flanked on all sides by naked mannequins with Day-Glo zodiac signs painted on their tits.

On our way back from the museum, we ended up at a restaurant called the Log Inn, whose name has nothing to do with computers. By way of a creepy, underground tunnel complete with rubber spiders, cotton cobwebs, and plastic bones, the restaurant is connected to the Don Q. Inn. The Don Q. is one of those fantasy suite motels, where you can act out your wildest fantasies as an Arab Sheik, a Naughty Vicar, or Neil Armstrong. It was the Tranquility Base suite, with its hot tub crater and lunar lander bed that interested us the most, and if we’d known it existed, we would have postponed the trip a couple weeks and saved up a little more money. Until that happens, jerking off with Sidekick is probably the closest I’m ever going to get to fucking an alien.

The Sidekick is an iridescent blue masturbation sleeve that kind of resembles a radioactive sea cucumber. Turned inside out, the little nubby tendrils form a kind of mouth, and the thing looks like the world’s thickest condom. While this seems counterintuitive, it works. The closed end creates a kind of suction that, when lubed up (and I wouldn’t recommend trying to have fun with this thing without lubing up), provides a feeling similar to good, wet, frictionless head. This feeling is aided by the latex skin, which is thick enough so that your hand and your dick don’t recognize each other as they go to work, and if you don’t think about it too much, it feels like you really are guiding someone’s bobbing head. If you think about it too much, it might feel like you are guiding someone’s blue, skinny, bald alien head, but if you’re thinking about it that much, you might want to just take some time to look at it anyway, because it really does look cool, watching flesh travel up and down inside the tube like some sort of frantic glass elevator.

I’ll be the first to admit that I probably thought about it too much, but I had a good time anyway.

Like most things in life, you’re sacrificing convenience for a quality experience with The Sidekick. You can’t punish your dick when it’s sheathed in wet rubber, and unlike more disposable jerk-off tools, you’ll also want to rinse it thoroughly when you’re done, because outside of being gross, the old mix of lube and jizz has a deathly smell that’s more than a little reminiscent of the crickets I used to feed my tarantula. If you don’t have a nice sex toy box, you might want to get/make/steal one, as the squishy latex is bound to pick up all sorts of fuzz and dust that you won’t want to go wash off every time you want to get off. You can also seal it up in a nice sexy Ziploc to keep the fuzzies out.

And if you’re looking for the Don Q Inn, you’ll find it in Dodgeville, Wisconsin. It has an out-of-service airplane parked out front, that has been inexplicably signed by famed aviator Farrah Fawcett.

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