Beyond KY and hand lotion: Lubes for the modern man

Lubes may seem like a decadent and unnecessary sexual accoutrement to some of you – something you regard as the domain of a lavish dungeon, where slaves work their masters’ members over with the gooey contents of giant cast iron vats.

Why, I’ve got a giant bottle of Curel, I can hear you say. Or, My lady produces enough lube for the both of us! Or even, I’ve got saliva, who needs lube? Or you might concede by telling me of your purchase of KY at the corner store.

Well.  You are not going to believe the way in which your mind is about to be blown. First, for the lube ascetics – yes, it is true that vaginas will produce lubrication. But if you rely on your lady for this, you are bound to be disappointed at some point. The mechanisms of vaginal lubrication are complex. It is not a simple equation of Arousal + You = Old Faithful.  Depending on such factors as where she is in her cycle, whether she is pre- or post-menopausal, her mood, her stress level, how much water she drank yesterday… your lady’s personal geyser could be potentially non-functioning. And then, when you get upset that she isn’t aroused by you anymore, this puts even more pressure on her lubricative glands and makes it ever-less likely that she’ll be able to grease your pole.

So why not lay off the pressure and add some extracurricular lube to the mix? That way, no one gets hurt. And this isn’t even addressing the butt issue, which is that the ass does NOT self-lubricate and is comprised of very sensitive, very fragile tissues that need lubrication so as not to tear. You don’t want a torn-up asshole, do you? Use lube on that business.

Which leads me to my next point – why real lube is better than lotion, saliva, and that shit you get at the grocery store.

1. Lotion. Lotions can be great – silky smooth, moisturizing (obviously), and they smell terrific. Honestly, they’re not terrible for self-lovin’ but you certainly shouldn’t use them with a partner, and even for jerking off you can have some problems. Namely, lotions are full of fragrances and chemicals that a lot of people with chemical sensitivities can be allergic to. Do you really want to break out in a rash on your dick?  Good luck explaining that it was an allergic reaction to jerking off with Jergens. Secondly, many lotions are oil-based which is a) not latex-compatible and b) can promote infection in sensitive lady-parts because oil can harbor bacteria and is very difficult to flush out of a vagina. Thirdly, lotions are made for moisturizing. Lube is made specifically for lubricating. Why not get the product that is specifically designed for the right parts? And don’t even get me started on oils and shortening. Again, these are fine in a pinch for jerking off, but anything oil-based is NOT LATEX-COMPATIBLE. Meaning that if you slather it on a condom, the condom is going to break. Best to stick with lubes.

2. Saliva.  Again, good in a pinch, but how much saliva can you really hock up for a good fucking session? It seems like porn these days is rife with hot nude porn stars spitting on each other. Spitting on pussies and cocks, spitting on assholes. What’s with all the spitting? Much like the Bible, porn shouldn’t be taken literally.  Spitting is an inefficient vehicle for applying moisture to the genitals. And it is certainly inappropriate for the asshole, as the ass needs a long-lasting, perhaps even cushioning lubricant to protect the delicate anal tissues.

3. Expensive and inferior grocery store lubes.  I’m looking at you, KY. So, yes, technically KY is lube. But let’s be honest. It sucks. It tastes weird, it’s gloopy, it’s super-sticky, and it costs too much. Same goes for, in my humble opinion, Astroglide. Yes, we sell it here, but it’s way more spendy than most of our other lubes and is practically just sugar water. But because of name recognition, it gets a lot of play. Don’t believe the hype! There are so many good, inexpensive lubes out there… why you could lube yourself up till the cows come home and never experience all the goodness there is out there.

Now that you know why lube rocks, you’re probably wondering how to pick the right lube for you. Ask and ye shall receive.

Lubes can be separated into two main categories – water-based and silicone-based.  Water-based is, well, made of water. It is easy to clean up and comes in many different varieties, but all of them will, eventually soak into your skin, becoming sticky. They can be “re-activated” by spritzing a little water on them, so keep a spray bottle next to your prime fucking spots! And tell nosy guests that it’s for your plants.

Silicone-based lubes, on the other hand, are made of silicone, and silicone lube is not water-soluble, so it stays on the surface of your skin until you wipe it off. This means, you can use silicone lube in the shower or bath, and it will never get sticky. This also means that it’s not as easy to clean up as water-based lubes – you’ll probably have to wipe off with a towel. And it can stain sheets. But if you’re into marathon fucking or shower lovin’, silicone lube can be a great thing to try. Plus, it’s generally fragrance-free, makes a great massage oil, but is still condom-compatible! So much slippery fun!

Among water-based lubes, there are still more variations. You might hear buzzwords like “glycerine-free” “paraben-free” and “pH balanced” tossed around, and of course there are the ubiquitous flavored and warming/cooling lubes to be contended with. I like this numbered list thing, so I’ll continue with that.

Hey there, Sliq.1. Glycerine. Glycerine is a derivative of sugar, and there has been some contention in the past decade or so that it can be a party to yeast infections. There are probably a number of complicating factors to be implicated in yeast infections, but adding something like sugar to one’s nether regions just adds insult to injury. So if you or your honey is prone to yeast infections,  you  might want to steer clear of lubes containing glycerine. Luckily, there are many stellar glycerine-free lubes to choose from – some of our favorites include Liquid Silk and Sliquid H2O.

2. Parabens. There has been some talk about the dangers of parabens in personal care products – that significant exposure to them in laboratory animals has caused cancer. If you are concerned about these claims, you will find there are several lubes that are paraben-free. Any of the Sliquid products, silicone lubes, and some of the organic lubricants are sans parabens.

3. pH Balanced.  There are some that say the pH of a lube is more important than its glycerine content when it comes to avoiding yeast infections, and there may be some truth to this. We carry, for example, a flavored lube called O’My that has glycerine but which has a pH similar to that of the vagina… and we have yet to hear of anyone having problems with it. This is something to consider, particularly when purchasing flavored lubes. Which brings me to:

4. Flavored lubes. These can be really fun and tasty if you choose wisely. Not all flavored lubes are created equal. Be sure to taste test first, to make sure you can spend a good amount of time enjoying the flavor. Often flavored lubes are full of glycerine and other sugars, which can be irritating, but with quality lubes like O’My, this shouldn’t be as much of a problem. Just please do not attempt to make your own flavored lubes out of household sweet things. Chocolate syrA veritable cornucopia!ups and honey are great for most body parts, but keep it away from the finicky ones, unless you like itching.

5.  Warming/Cooling lubes. Some people swear by these. I say, do a little test spot before you slather it all over yourself. These can be very intense and painful if you’re sensitive. Best to stick to milder lubes if you’re not sure – we have Sliquid Organics Warming, which gives a slight warming sensation – and Ogel, which is slightly tingly and warming but not really a lube, as it is meant to be applied sparingly to the clitoris (or head of the penis). Both can be delightfully stimulating and can encourage blood flow to the genitals, but don’t just assume sensation lubes are for you based on the ads you see on the internet. Yes, gentlemen, sometimes the internet is a big fat liar.

I do want to say one final word about desensitizing lubes. I didn’t put this in our list because I don’t consider them viable choices.  Desensitizing lubes can hurt you. Pain is an indication that you’re doing something wrong, or too fast, or too soon. It is not a green light, it is a red light. There is a myth that anal sex in particular hurts no matter what, but this is a myth.  There are many tips and tricks for easing one’s way in to anal (and vaginal) sex painlessly. Desensitizing lubes numb your tissues, causing injury to be much more likely. Do not use it. Period. Ever.

But on a lighter note… now that we’ve opened Pandora’s bottle of lube, there is no going back, but who would want that anyway now that a deliciously slippery future is on the horizon?

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  • http://disqus.com/texnogeekz/ http://disqus.com/texnogeekz/

    Now I'm wondering if liquid silk will help cure male yeast infection, I've been looking into that lately.

  • http://disqus.com/texnogeekz/ http://disqus.com/texnogeekz/

    Now I'm wondering if liquid silk will help cure male yeast infection, I've been looking into that lately.

  • eden

    Glycerin-free lubes won’t cure yeast infections. There is just the possibility, in very sensitive individuals, that they can help prevent them. Yeast infections should be treated with topical creams or prescription medication. You can also help prevent them by taking probiotics and avoiding unnecessary antibiotics. Good luck!

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